Dreams are they really that innocent or do they have a message

Wake up and it is 3am and I still have the visions in my mind’s eye of the dream that just woke me up. It is rare for me to remember my dreams unless they are the ones to wake me up in the middle of the night. The part I remember goes back to the day prior when I was reading my horoscope which it did tell me that I will have a dream that will impact me and this dream I just woke up from is nothing but bad.
It starts out very odd and that the person I care about very deeply was living in the same city as me but for some reason not in the same house as me. I then proceed to go to the house which he lives in and I am told that he has another girl with him and then I show up and he is forced to decide which one he wants and who he cares about. I thought he would have chosen me but then we all piled into a van or bus to go somewhere and he invited the other girl and felt sorry for her. He chose to sit by her a few rows ahead of me and then kissed her right in front me to see. This is where I got angry and asked to get off the bus because I could no longer be with him or around him. After that I woke up. So do I try and interpret this dream or just let it go…..?

The Books on Love, To kiss a Toad or a Prince….

How many toads do you kiss before you finally find your prince?  We have all heard this before either from our loving moms or girlfriends after a bad breakup or if the current relationship is going sour.  How many of us have read those self help books on dating and relationships in hopes to change and find that Mr. Right.  I like most either have a nice little library going on how many books I either have borrowed, been given to me, or have bought on the hopes of knowing why every guy I meet turns out to be a toad.  I have a few favorites only because they are just plain entertaining, “Why Men Love Bitches” and “He’s Just Not That into You.”  There are several more but I will just use these for my many of examples of how they are just plain wrong.  For one if you notice majority of the books are written by men because we think that is our best way to understand them, which is partly true and false at the same time.

 

 I have been in the game for 9 years and have discovered the truth and falseness to what these books portray.  They always, for the most part, tell you to be someone you are not.  I’m sorry when you have been dating a guy for a year acting like the perfect person he wants which isn’t your personality in the first place, he isn’t in love with you just his fantasy, watch the movie “The Ugly Truth.”  We think if we dye our hair blonde and make sure it grows or we buy nice long hair and act as if nothing bothers us then that will be the perfect woman for every man.  Well first off there are different types that every individual man likes or is attracted to.  The world would be extremely boring if we were all perfect and acted the same hence why we have our different personalities to make us individuals.  So why do we think we need to change who we are to make a guy fall in love with us or want us in the first place?  Because that is what the books tell us!  For example in the book “Why Men Love Bitches” it explains why men do not like the girl next door or the quiet shy type vs. the bitch who is the strong individual.  Well I think it is great if you have a dominating personality but some girls just don’t and you can’t blame them for it.  In my opinion we all have a match or 2 out there for us basically meaning the guy that you are meant to fall in love with will love you for who you are and will never want you to change because that is what he likes about you in the first place.  

 

These books tell us to play games because that is what the guy is doing and if you want him you better be on his playing field.  Okay, well first off I don’t want a guy who plays mind games with me or any other game.  When guys play games it means they are not wanting a relationship or they just plain don’t want you.  If a guy truly wants you he will make damn sure to let you know and will do anything he can do be around you.  When he changes to the worst meaning he isn’t around you anymore or makes up excuses it is time to move on because it already ended.  I will agree if a guy doesn’t call you then he is just not that into you.  We women will make up every excuse in the book on why he doesn’t call and blame ourselves when things don’t go right.  Why we do this is beyond me because I have done it many of times and my friends can attest to the days of consoling me.  I laugh at myself now because I didn’t understand the whole concept.  BUT, if a guy waits 5 days to call you and expects you to jump right on it, is playing a nice little game and he will win if you answer.  If you realize that he will be nothing more than a booty call and if you are wanting more never answer those calls because you will be painfully wrong when you wish you could change him.

 

 I know woman do a lot of these things because they are lonely and if one guy crosses her path she wants to hold on to him but you have to wake up from that fantasy and realize that you just may be alone and you need to be okay with it.  Sometimes we are not meant to be with anyone and it could sadden you but realize that life is about lessons and achievements and you might have bigger things coming your way for which a man will just makes things complicated or your head clouded because of wondering who he is talking to or what he is going to do next.  I have always said that you need to figure yourself out before ever getting into a relationship in hopes he will just figure you out for you.  You need to know where you are in life and what your next step in the world is.  If you are career driven then you need to do everything you can now to climb the corporate ladder and if a guy happens to fall in your lap make sure he only helps you become better not pull you down.  Always, always put yourself first and take care of yourself then focus of the things around you.  Too many women will put the man first and that is were the world gets confused on who dominates the relationship and household.  These are the women who will let a man hit them and will think they will change.  I hate to hear when a woman gets married young and is stuck with kids and never finishes what she dreamed of doing since she was little.  These are the women that never get support because the man she is with was never meant for her in the beginning with and with how things go with divorce more than likely someone will cheat because they aren’t happy.

 

We have all lived many stories of all the toads we have kissed and may never find that prince and then again he just may find you.  You need to realize that Love is never a game and when true love finds you, you will know it.  The reason why is because love is truly simple and things will be easy for the both of you.  You will never second guess yourself on, does he love me or do I love him because you will already know that answer.  If he doesn’t call, it is because he already told you before hand that he won’t be able to because of a situation.  True love will test your abilities but true love is never a lie.

The Heart, Emotion, and Love

When you look at that person next to you and the wind blows in their face do you have a soft smile that crosses your lips because love is in your heart?

I often wonder what true love would feel like and would my heart just yearn for that person for every second of every day.  Just thinking about that person would it make me want to go to the ends of the earth to be with him?

As most know anything about me I have like all have been through the ups and downs of love, lust, and the cruel world of dating.  It has made me become more independent in life and maybe a little heartless towards love and being in love.  The heart is a fragile piece of emotion that if you give it to someone and they break it into pieces there is not much left to give away to the next person.  So I am a firm believer if you have ever had your heart broken to take the time to mend your heart and let it heal.  Never expect a new guy to just put a band-aid on it and it will be alright.  Know who you are and where you are going before you ever expect someone else to know.

 Love is a term we use too lightly and to quick it should be held on and only given to the person who you truly will go across the seas to be with.

Every guy I meet goes through a possibility of questions in my head; could this guy be the one, are these feelings strong enough to carry though or will they just die out like the others.  When I finally realize that I am wasting my time I have to learn that I need to regain who I am as a person.  I feel that if love finds me that would be great and I will embrace it.  If love never enters my life again than I will know that we are only met for that one person in the world and when they are taken from your life that is it.

To Move or Not to Move, that is the Question…

One life, one story to share, one chance to be happy; I have been considering the option of moving out of South Carolina for some time now but I’m actually scared.  When I was 18 years old I had no problem moving thousands of miles away from the place I grew up.  I had no problem at the fact that I moved almost every 1 to 2 years after that; I actually enjoyed meeting new people and starting over.  I know my friends that are reading this are saying “no Cora don’t do it” but you have to realize that there is nothing in South Carolina that is keeping me here besides a job and my good friends.  You might say well isn’t that enough…?  Well for me it is not.   I don’t feel like it is home or that I can “settle” down here.  I feel that there is more out in the world for me to do and accomplish and living here is just tying me down. 

I’m going to school so that I can be an Esthetician/ Make-up Artist so that I can work at some of the worlds best Spa’s or Medical Spa’s.  The training that I am getting now only gets me certified but what I really need is to move to New York City or Orlando, Florida to get the extra training I really need.  My question for myself is can I just pick up and move again without a guaranteed job?  That is what scares the crap out of me because I moved to Charleston, SC in 2005 without a job and it really made me depressed.  It took me a year to find a decent job that paid well.  Now I’m considering doing it all over again. 

I don’t see myself living in America my whole life either.  I miss living in Europe so very much.  I love the culture and the people!  It is very different from the American way of life and I truly see myself living and growing old over there.  What scares me again is if I move will I be able to work in a county without speaking the language that great… do I have to be married before I move there to make is easy?  I would hope not to the later question because if you know me, I want to get married for passion and love not just to move somewhere.  But I don’t mind if a wonderful man who is from another country wants me ….hmmmm… I could move to him.

If you know me at all, once I set a goal for myself I always follow through because I’m passionate about it.  So I already know that once I decide what I want to do and where I want to live then I will make it happen.  I just need advice on how to start and how hard is it for an American like myself to find a job in Europe.  I am thinking I will more than likely work at a Spa since that is my true passion.  I love making people feel beautiful and teaching them ways to be healthy and take care of their skin.  

Will I be accepted into a foreign country or will I be out casted as an American?  I hate that American’s have a bad rap overseas but I’m not like all the others.  I have lived in Italy and I know how to appreciate the way of life and how things are just slower and how family comes first before all others.   

I feel that this is my one chance to make the most of my life before I get too old and regret any decision that I do not make.  Everyone has dreams of what they want to do when they grow up and I’m trying to make mine into reality.  Yes, I would love to be famous for my work that I call art but I would be happier if I was in another country.  

The reason why I love Europe is one, the travel into other countries is much easier and cheaper.  When I lived there I could catch a flight on RyanAir for 25 Euro sometimes and driving or taking a train is easy to.  I will say that I am more attracted to men who are from another country than me…..hahahaha private joke if you know me well.  (accents get me every time)

So how do I do what I truly want to do???  

 

To all of my friends who say don’t move, this will give you a reason to come to Europe and visit

Medical: Dr’s, Prescriptions, and Insurance

Okay for the most of you who have know me in the last 9-10 years know that I have like 2 ongoing medical records, with the Air Force, and now I have possible 3 to 4 roaming around Charleston, SC. This is all because I am now a reservist who depends on my civilian type insurance and that I have changed providers 4 times in the last 4 years.

The reason I feel to rant about this is because this year I canceled my medical insurance with my civilian job at Centurum because it was costing me from $132 to $198 a month depending if we got paid twice or three times that month. Okay that is a lot of money a month to pay for insurance that isn’t that great to begin with. So I switch to TRICARE Reserve which is $47 a month but even worse coverage!! Wow I can’t win.

I went to a new Dr. today who specializes in organic care and teaching you how to take care of yourself without prescriptions. Wow a Dr. who really cares about people and not just throwing more pills down your throat! So I went in to talk about main issues that I have examples #1 for me and I know most would think it is crazy but my rapid weight loss that I have had. In the last year I have lost 50 pounds and still counting! Which is a good thing because I needed to; but the bad thing is that I don’t know how or why I’m losing weight. Everyone asks “what is your secret?” I really don’t have one, I eat the same as always and I don’t exercise as much because I’m constantly tired and just exhausted. The only thing I have cut out is eating a lot of fast food late at night. But there is no way to lose 50 pounds from that and not exercise!!! So I brought that up in concern and the Dr. asked if I have ever brought that up before which I have and my previous Dr.’s blame it on my new birth control. So guess what the needle comes out and into my arm and out goes 6 tubes of blood to do testing, damn it.

He also wants to do other tests to see where my hormone levels are during the day so that he can figure out why I am so tired and why I can’t sleep. Have you ever been so tired I mean real tired but your freaking mind won’t shut down!!! Yes that is me most every night. My 2nd concern is my migraines and that I get them a lot, like 2 or 3 a month if I’m lucky. I have done so many tests through out my years in the military to find out what causes them and how to prevent them without any luck. So my new Dr. is going to do a food allergy test on me to see if I’m eating certain foods that could be triggering it. Okay this sounds a lot easier than doing MRI testing and sending me to Life Skills because the military blamed it on my stress level and fills me up with medicine.

My 3rd concern is my seasonal allergies. I went to a Dr. that specializes in allergies which they did the full test on me to see what I was allergic to. Okay 20 needles down my arm and like 60 pricks on my back was an awful way to test me to come back and say I’m not allergic to anything. Okay they aren’t around me when the pollen hits because something is growing on the East Coast that bothers the crap out of me and I get a sinus infection because of it. So my new Dr. tells me to eat a teaspoon of local honey once a day and that should help me out. WOW, I wish I would have thought of that 4 years ago!!

Now I did get good news from the medical facility on the Air Force Base, at least good for me. I just learned that my injury that I had with my left ankle was approved for Line of Duty (LOD). Which means the military has to pay those Dr. bills that I had acquired when I separated. As well as my asthma which I had my first attack while I was activated in 2006. Which is good because the military is taking responsibility for it!!

Defining Who I Am, Not What You Want Me To Be…

Who I am, is a single/hard working woman that is about to turn 27 years old that enjoys everything that I have accomplished in life and I still have several goals to obtain before I “settle down.”  I have lived and visited over 17 different countries and seen most of the US (west to east coast).  I have one degree under my belt, working on another, and also trying to get certified to be an Esthetician. 

 

I was talking with my mother not to long ago and as always the subject comes up “when are you going to get married so that I can have grandchildren.”  Okay first off to get married I need to be in a relationship first, I am not going to go around to random guys asking for their hand in marriage to suffice my mother who wants grandkids.  

 

For one thing I am not going to lower my expectations of what I want in a guy to make the rest of the population happy that I am finally with someone, NO! That is what causes people to fall for someone who they truly never liked to begin with!!  Please read, You Are Not That Into Him Either…. which explains how women will do that all the time because they don’t want to be alone!  Well guess what I am quite fine with being “alone” if that is what you call it, I have friends and my family to lean on.  

 

This all stems from the whole rush for a marriage or aka wedding for most and then 2 years later after the “honeymoon” phase has worn off they get tired of each other and divorce.  Or I see my parents who married each other at a very young age, after high school and sometimes I wish they would have gotten a divorce because they are not meant for each other. My parents will have their 30^th Anniversary in May 2009 but if you ask my mom if she is in love with my father the answer is no because she settled 30 years ago.  I’m sorry, I will wait until I find that person that is truly, madly in love with me and I am with him before I settle for someone just to be married and have kids.

 

I also see this with my friends and they know who they are, I don’t have to say names.  I see it where they spend all of their time looking for this guy just to have a boyfriend who will turn into their husbands to make babies all because they are reaching or already passed the age of 30.  Why does society say if you are 30 and single then something is wrong with you!?  Why can’t a gal just live her life and if a wonderful man drops in her lap then that is great, why do we have to spend all of our time and energy to find a whole bunch of jerks that are not worth your time in the first place?  I feel sorry for the girls who say that they have to find a guy to be happy….. why should it be that way?  I think you need to make yourself happy first before you ever expect a guy to do it because in my opinion that type of guy you finally meet will just take advantage of you and use and abuse you until there is nothing left.  

 

I am a firm believer that every woman should know who she is, what she wants in life, and has accomplished most of her goals before she gets married and has kids.  

 

A good friend of mine, Lauren Westney, gave me some good advice and she has been in a relationship for 5 years: “A Relationship does NOT define who you are; it is just an accessory like a piece of jewelry.” “Now when you are in a relationship you have to want it and work at it but it does not define you, only YOU define yourself.”

My Busy Life

So I have been reminded time and time again that I have “no life” well at least in some eyes.  Here are the questions asked of me and how it starts:  “So do you have plans this week or weekend” my answer “I have to check my calendar aka blackberry,”  “but yes I am busy…. I work from 8am-5pm then school from 5pm-10pm during the week and then this weekend I am volunteering with the Jaycees, sorry.”  Their reply back “Wow! When do you ever get time for yourself or a social life?” 

Okay let me set something straight….if you are important part of my life i.e. good friend or friends, I will make time for you;  it may not be today or this week but it will be sometime during the month.  Plus at the beginning of a week I can tell you for the most part when I have free time or even a hour to hang out.  I am just tired of people judging me and saying well that is why she is still single etc….  I like being busy and if it means having 4 jobs and going to school full time then that is what I am doing.  A lot of people have no idea how I do it or where I get the energy hahaha well neither do I, I just do it. 

It all started when I moved to Charleston, SC back in Sept 2005.  I had just separated the Active Duty Air Force making pretty good money from living overseas, to being unemployed and becoming a Reservist for the Air Force.  So I started the job hunt which last all of a month because I took the 1st job that was offered to me; I hated being unemployed.  So I went from making $50k a year to making $22k a year as an admin assistant to a CPA downtown.  I still don’t know how I made back then…. But that is the start of me looking for other 2nd jobs to make more money. 

Here was my schedule in Sept 2005- Feb 2006:  Worked 8am-5pm at CPA Firm Monday-Friday making $22k a year.  I got a waitress job at the Peninsula Grill, also downtown, working the weekends only making $3 something plus tips.   Then that still wasn’t enough I started working at the Coliseum taking money from those who wanted to park there, I made around $8 an hour doing that about 5pm-9pm during the week and sometimes right after my waitress job I would go straight to the Coliseum and work from noon-9pm.  And if that wasn’t enough I started to work at the soccer games at Blackbaud Stadium during the summer time to make more money!  Now keep in mind I’m still a reservist so one weekend a month I had to work at the Air Force Base. 

Now in Feb 2006 I was e-mailed by my supervisor to see if I wanted to go to Qatar for 30 days as a PERSCO team member.  So the first thought I had… hell yeah more money (active duty pay plus the extra pay you get for being in the desert).  For one I did have a blast in Qatar….. I was at the pool everyday working on my tan  

When I got back my supervisor asked if I would like to volunteer to go on long term orders to help out the active duty MPF….. So of course I said yes!  Now the orders to keep me activated were from April-Sept 2007 and they couldn’t renew them at the end of September…..so guess what I did.  I volunteered to go to Iraq so that I could still get the active duty pay!  I have a whole different story for my time in Iraq.  So when I get back in Feb 2008 I then again got to work for the Active duty MPF on orders until July 31, 2008.  Which I volunteered to go to New Mexico to help out for 60 days.  Upon my return to Charleston in October I then wanted to settle down and stay for awhile.  I put my resume back on Monster.com and USAJOBS.com to look for a HR position.  I received an e-mail that one company was interested in interviewing me.  That was my first and last interview I got the HR Coordinator position. 

My new life as a civilian.  I started my new job and loved the fast pace and newness of it because I had to learn all of the civilian laws of business.  This is what got me wanting to go back to school for my HR degree.  So I was still working at the coliseum and the soccer games for my part time jobs and I took on a small business of my own selling Spa products and the end of 2008, and yes I’m still a reservist throughout this whole time and I am also volunteering for the Charleston Jaycees (we help other.  So the start of 2009 had me wondering what am I doing with my life because HR is just not doing it for me anymore, I need something more in life and more money.  So I started to think what am I good at and what is my passion….hmmmm well if you know me then it is make-up and beauty skin care (hence why I have a small business selling Spa products).   So I signed up for school once again at the Academy of Cosmetology to be an Esthetician.  That is the person who can help out the dermatologist or they can work in a Medi Spa.  So why not help others to be beautiful right!   So here is my life in a nutshell:  HR Job 8am-5pm, School 5pm-1pm, weekends I volunteer with the Jaycees or work at the coliseum, and I still have my one weekend a month with the AF Reserves.

Hello world!

Well I figured if I start writing what I’m thinking then people can understand me better.